Apes Will Rise

Well, that's a shame. Being that exposition is always my favorite part, the prequel Rise of the Planet of the Apes is set right where I prefer to vacation. Iconic franchise, great cast, exciting trailer, complete with blatting horns and tick-ticky stopwatch tension. And yet, no deal.

For the same reason True Grit (2010), despite all the knockdown, dragout kickassery it featured, left me disappointed in the end, Rise will fall: cartoon monkeys. True, Grit's failure was snakes, but the dissimulacrumilarity's the same. (Yep! New word, made it up, try it free for 30 days.) Why go digital when you can so easily use practical effects. See: the snake chamber in Raiders, the shapeshift in An American Werewolf in London, Kermit riding a bike. What do these movies have in common? They're all more than 25 years old. Surely suits and prosthetics have improved in the last generation. Weta Digital's behind the animation here, which is funny considering their role in the Rings Trilogy, populated with legions of suited, masked, completely convincing orcs and tigers and bears. Oh my.

Also gorillas can't pull helicopters out of the sky. But who am I this morning, other than a bespectacled, over-caffeinated nerd in his pajamas. Watch the trailer and decide for yourself.